Just great

[eminent]

Didn't think this belonged in the Words of Strength topic, so here it is.

I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.


I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.



I no longer have lemon slices in my ice water at a restaurant without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.



I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.



I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.



I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose (although cell phone usage may be overtaking the number one spot).


Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.
I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO ALL OF YOU - I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face... disfiguring me for life.



I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.



I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.



I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.



I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.



I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan ..




I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.



THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.



AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.



I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!



I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your backside, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician . .

[Skevington]

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

That one had me busting up.

[Lailin]

Em I found on of them - here it is.

Subject: Here's to Us…
No matter what our kids and the new generation think about us,

WE ARE AWESOME !!!!
OUR LIFE IS LIVING PROOF !!!!

To Those of Us Born

1930 - 1979
At the end of this email is a quote of the month by Jay Leno. If you don't read anything else, please

Read what he said.
Very well stated, Mr. Leno.

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED THE
1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.

they took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can and didn't get tested for diabetes..

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered

with bright colored lead-base paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, locks on doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had baseball caps
not helmets on our heads.

As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, no booster seats, no seat belts, no air bags, bald tires and sometimes no brakes.

Riding in the back of a pick- up truck on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and no one actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread, real butter and bacon. We drank Kool-Aid made with real white sugar.. And, we weren't overweight. WHY?

Because we were always outside playing...that's why!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on..
No one was able to reach us all day. And, we were OKAY.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps

and then ride them down the hill,

only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem

We did not have Play stations, Nintendo's and X-boxes. There were no video games, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's,

no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet and no chat rooms.

WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

we ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them.

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team.

those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.

Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best

risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever.

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.

If you are one of them, CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good.

While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave and lucky their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it ?

the quote of the month is by

Jay Leno:

'With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?'

For those that prefer to think that God is not watching over us...go ahead and delete this.

[eminent]

I like that one Lailin. Read something similiar, not sure what happened to it though.

[eminent]

Dear Diary: June 1st:


Just moved to Texas ! Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! It is beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

June 14th:

Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.

June 30th:

Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing the lawn for me.
Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th:

The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least, it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.

July 15th:

Fell asleep by the community pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body). Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ole sun in a climate like this.

July 20th:

I missed Lomita (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag, then popped like a water balloon. The car now smells like Kibbles and Bits.
I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.

Good ole Mr. Sun strikes again.

July 25th:

The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and
the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.

July 30th:

Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now, $225,000 house and I can't even go inside. Lomita is the lucky one. Why did I ever come here?

Aug. 4th:

It's 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 85. I hate this stupid state.

Aug. 8th:

If another wise ass cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to strangle him.
Freakin' heat. By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

Aug. 9th:

Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when I sat on the seats in the car, I thought my butt was on the seat. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and butt ... Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried skin,and baked cat.

Aug 10th:

The weather report might as well be a freakin' recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do anything for 2 whole months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.

Doesn't it ever rain in this state? Water rationing will be next, so my $1700 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow over. Even the cactus can't live in this stupid heat.

Aug. 14th:

Welcome to HELL! Temperature got to 115 today. Cactus' are dead. Forgot to crack the window and blew the freakin' windshield out of the car! The installer came to fix it and guess what he asked me?! "Hot enough for you today?"

My sister had to spend $1,500 to bail me
out of jail.

Freaking Texas. What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?? Will write later to let you know how the trial goes.

[Lailin]

what does love mean??

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4
to 8 year- olds
"What does love mean?"

The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have
imagined. See what you think :


"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint
her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even
when his hands
got arthritis too. That's love."

Rebecca- age 8

_____

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.
You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."

Billy - age 4

_____

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving
cologne and they go out and smell each other."

Karl - age 5

_____

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your
French fries without making them give you any of theirs."

Chrissy - age 6

___

"Love is what ma kes you smile when you're tired."

Terri - age 4
_____

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip
before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."

Danny - age 7

_____

"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of
kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy
are like that. They look gross when they kiss"

Emily - age 8

_____

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop
opening presents and listen."

Bob by - age 7

_____

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend
who you hate,"

Nikka - age 6


_____

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it
everyday."

Noelle - age 7

_____

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still
friends even after they know each other so well."

Tommy - ag e 6

_____

"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."

Elaine-age 5

_____

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he
is handsomer than Robert Redford."

Chris - age 7

_____

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him
alone all day."

Mary Ann - age 4

_____

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old
clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."

Lauren - age 4

_____

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little
stars come out of you." (what an image)

Karen - age 7
_____

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if
you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."

Jessica - age 8

And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked
about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to
find the most caring child.

The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an
elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.

Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old
gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.

When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little
boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry" .

[DeltaQ]

Those are great !! But I have a difference in my e-mails

THANKS TO ALL OF YOU - I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Seems that God, Saints and angels now have less work because now they ask to send their e-mail to 12 friends (Not Seven)

-------------------

Exc post Cap about Love: What my girls should say if I asked them?

[Garibaldi]

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." -- IBM chairman Thomas Watson, 1943

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." -- Ken Olson, founder, chairman & president of DEC, 1977

"640k ought to be enough for anybody." -- Bill Gates, 1981

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." --Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." --The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

"But what ... is it good for?" --Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

[DeltaQ]

Software Bilble:

1. In the beginning God created the Bit and the Byte. And from those
he created the Word.

2. And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed. And
God separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was good.

3. And God said: Let the Data be; and so it happened. And God said:
Let the Data go to their proper places. And he created floppy disks
and hard disks and compact disks.

4. And God said: Let the computers be, so there would be a place to
put floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks. Thus God created
computers and called them hardware.

5. And there was no Software yet. But God created programs; small and
big... And told them: Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the
memory.

6. And God said: I will create the Programmer; and the programmer will
make new programs and govern over the computers and programs and data.

7. And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Center; and
showed the Programmer the catalog tree and said: You can use all the
volumes and subvolumes, but DO NOT USE Windows.

8. And God said: It is not good for the programmer to be alone. He
took a bone from the Programmer's body and created a creature that
would look up at the Programmer; and admire the Programmer; and love
the things the Programmer does; and God called the creature: the User.

9. And the Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS it
was good.

10. But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God. And Bill
said to the User: Did God really tell you not to run any programs?

11. And the User answered: God told us that we can use every program
and every piece of data but told us not to run Windows or we will die.

12. And Bill said to the User: How can you talk about something you
did not even try? The moment you run Windows you will become equal to
God. You will be able to create anything you like by a simple click of
your mouse.

13. And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were nicer and
easier to use. And the User saw that any knowledge was useless--since
Windows could replace it.

14. So the User installed the Windows on his computer; and said to the
Programmer that it was good.

15. And the Programmer immediately started to look for new drivers.
And God asked him: What are you looking for? And the Programmer
answered: I am looking for new drivers because I can not find them in
the DOS. And God said: Who told you you need drivers? Did you run
Windows? And the Programmer said: It was Bill who told us to!

16. And God said to Bill: Because of what you did you will be hated by
all the creatures. And the User will always be unhappy with you. And
you will always sell Windows.

17. And God said to the User: Because of what you did, the Windows
will disappoint you and eat up all your resources; and you will have
to use lousy programs; and you will always rely on the Programmers
help.

18. And God said to the Programmer: Because you listened to the User
you will never be happy. All your programs will have errors and you
will have to fix them and fix them to the end of time.

19. And God threw them out of the Data Center and locked the door and
secured it with a password.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I found this new testament written in spanish:

It was like that for long time, until God sent a programmer-Saver Called “Richard M. Stallman” and wrote GNU and later, was born the God son called “Linus Torvalds“, who wrote Linux, and joined that Kernel with all the software GNU.

That's how Free software was born, and expanded through all the world, until appeared the Dibianers, the Slack followers, the good organaized RedHats and the carismatic Ubunters with their innovative ideas and That's why God forgive us all.

For non Computer fans, about this new testament:
GNU: The GNU Project is a free software, mass collaboration project. The founding goal of the project was, in the words of its initial announcement, to develop "a sufficient body of free software [...] to get along without any software that is not free."

All the other names are Linux different operating systems, and its followers

Kernel: The main part of an operating system

Other questions, PM me and I will add .-)!

[DeltaQ]

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet,which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

[eminent]

7 degrees of Blonde



FIRST DEGREE

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang

at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone,

listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles

from here!' and hung up.

The husband said, 'Who was that?'

The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know

if the coast is clear.'

SECOND DEGREE

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the

sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror

and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'

The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'

So, the first blonde hands her the compact.

The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'

THIRD DEGREE

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and

buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens
the

door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really

angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she
is

overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, 'No, hone y, don't do it!!!'

The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'

FOURTH DEGREE

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.

She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, .... I know 'em all.'

A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'

The blonde replies, 'Oh , that's easy ... it's W.'

FIFTH DEGREE

Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

A: 'Is it mine?'

SIXTH DEGREE

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US

Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what

Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pon dered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the
decision

George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware .'

SEVENTH DEGREE

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house

ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and

reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the
radio,

and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the
blonde

ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog,
then

sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I
come

home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and
what do

they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'

[eminent]

Hey Delta, what that student wrote you posted was great. I had to send that to some friends in college.

[Garibaldi]

2 Malibu blondes were walking home from a movie one night. One of them looked up and said, “What do you think is closer, the moon or Miami?”

The other blond said, “Dah!! Can you see Miami from here?”
_____________________________________

The Ditz walked into the room the other day and told me she needed some help with something. I asked, “What?

She said she was doing a jig-saw puzzle and was having trouble getting it started. I asked, “What’s it suppose to be.”

She said, “The picture on the box is a tiger.”

I said, “Let’s take a look,” and went into the other room.

I surveyed the situation for a second and said, “This is a box of corn flakes.”
_____________________________________

3 blondes were stranded on an island. As they walked along the beach one of them kicked a bottle that was half buried in the sand. When they opened it, what do you suppose came out? Nope, it was a genie.

The genie said, “I’ve been imprisoned in that bottle for 2000 years. For freeing me I’ll grant each of you a wish.”

The first blond thought for a minute and said, “I want to be smarter and more intelligent.” Poof!! The genie turned her into a red head and she swam off the island.

The second blond said, “Hmmmm. I want to be smarter and more intelligent than her.” The genie said, “As you wish,” turned her into a brunet and she built a raft and sailed off the island.

The last blond said, “Well now, I want to be smarter and more intelligent than both of them.” The Genie said, “Very well,” turned her into a man and she walked over the bridge.

[Garibaldi]

This is a small collection of bumper stickers.

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?

Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.

Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?

All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

[Garibaldi]

Have you noticed the advertisments at the top of the page. Watch them. They seem to pick up words (usually in the title of the thread) and try to find related advertisments.